Back To Your Heart

Please note: This is copyrighted (©) by me, Tammtamm, May 4, 2001. Please do not copy it or save it without my permission. Thank you. Please send feedback to stories@iwuvjoey.com.

AJ McLean remembered the fateful day he lost the love of his life. The tour was in Philadelphia for two sold-out
shows. He had begged her to come up for the few days that they’d be in town. He wanted to see her so bad. She
had agreed and had planned on being there the same morning that the guys would arrive from their previous
tour city. She had called him from the plane to tell him it would be delayed. He had told her that he would meet
her back at the hotel room after she arrived. He had gone out with Howie and Kevin and gotten drunk. He had
picked up a girl who very well knew who he was. He took her back to his hotel room. An hour later he was
caught in the act by her. She had opened the door to find him stark naked with a groupie in the front room.
Without a word, she closed the door and disappeared. He had tried to go after her when he realized what had
happened. He had called her cell phone, left her messages, sent security to the airport to find her. No luck. He
knew she would go back to Orlando. He knew she would leave him.

“AJ, you okay? You sure you don’t want to come to my house or have me drop you off at your mom’s or
something?” Kevin suggested when they pulled up in front of AJ’s house.
“I’ll be alright. It’s my fault this happened. I’ll see you tonight at the show.” AJ said as they got out of the car and
unloaded AJ’s bags from the trunk.
“Call me if you need to talk.” Kevin said as AJ disappeared into his house.
AJ heard Kevin drive off as he closed the door behind him. The mail was neatly stacked on the little table next to
the door and a big memo post-it was stuck on the mirror. He recognized the handwriting as hers immediately.

AJ, the dogs are in their kennel outside. The keys are in the cabinet with the others. All my mail has been
stopped from coming here. And the refrigerator is stocked with everything you like. Goodbye… Amanda

AJ went to the laundry room. As soon as he opened the door, all three dogs began to bark with excitement.
Although he was happy to be home and to see the dogs, he missed her. He still missed her. A lot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda James looked at her watch, `AJ should be home by now,’ she thought to herself. Even though she had
walked out that night in January, crushed over what she had seen, she missed him and still loved him. But he had
hurt her. He had cheated on her. She had caught him in the act. Red-handed and naked. She still couldn’t get the
image out of her mind of AJ and that girl three months later.

“Mandy… someone’s here to see you.” Jimmy, the bartender said when she came back to the bar with several
customer orders for him. Amanda looked at him. “Don’t worry, it’s not him, but it is one of his friends. Go ahead
and take a break, you work too damn much around here for a club owner.” Jimmy exclaimed.
“Thanks Jimmy… where is he?” Amanda asked as she double checked the orders and table numbers.
“Your office.” Jimmy said and handed her a cup of tea.
“You’re terrific.” She smiled for her favorite employee. She wondered who it could be that would come here on
their first day back from the first leg of their tour. She thought it could be Nick or Howie or maybe even Kevin,
but she never thought it would be Brian until she opened the door and saw him sitting on the edge of the desk,
waiting for her.

“Brian, welcome home. Shouldn’t you be with Leighanne?” Amanda tried to be cheerful.
“Leighanne was with me for the last few days of the tour. She knows I wanted to come see you. I dropped her
off at home and came right over.” Brian explained, “No hug?” he gave her his puppy dog eyes. She put her tea
cup down and gave him a hug.
“What brings you here and don’t dare say what I believe you’re going to.” She warned. She did not want to talk
about AJ.
“I came to see how you’ve been. You haven’t returned any of the gang’s calls nor your brother’s for that matter
since January and from what Jimmy tells me, you’ve been here every day since. Working yourself into an early
grave?” Brian asked.
“Look Brian,  it’s great to see you and I appreciate you coming down here. As far as how I’m doing, I’m fine.
Someone has to run this club and since I own it, it might as well be me. If you want to discuss AJ and what
happened in January then go talk to him about it. As far as I’m concerned, it was over when I…” Amanda stopped
herself. She hadn’t talked to anyone about what happened. Not a single soul. She had simply left voicemails for
her closest friends and AJ’s mom explaining that things were over but that she had the dogs with her until he
would return so that they wouldn’t be lonely. The tears had welled up in her eyes.
“Come and sit down and talk to me. I’m one of your closest friends who’s quite ticked because you haven’t returned
my phone calls.” Brian said.
Amanda gave in. She knew better than to keep Brian at bay. He’d lock them in the office all night if he had to just
to get her to talk to him.
“Fine Brian… let’s talk.” Amanda said as she sat down and told him everything from that night on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AJ grabbed something to drink as he led the dogs out to the back yard. He sat in the nearest lounge chair and
remembered the good times with Amanda. He had done a lot of that since that day. Knowing he had lost her forever.
His pager went off and he ignored it at first as he thought of ways he could apologize to Amanda for hurting her. He
regretted his actions of that night and he would do anything to have her back in his life again.
“AJ!” someone shouted from inside the house. AJ recognized the voice immediately. It was Howie.
“Out back.” Came AJ’s reply.
“Hey… you left the offices so fast with Kevin, we didn’t get to talk.” Howie explained as he came out onto the deck and joined Howie. The dogs ran back up onto the deck when they realized that there was someone else here.
“Sorry man… just have a lot on my mind.”
“Like `Manda?” Howie asked.
“Yeah…” AJ said as he looked down at the table.
“Have you talked to her yet?”
“Not since that night. I got home to find that she brought the dogs home and stocked the fridge with everything I love. But the one thing that needs filled is the hole that I started.” AJ started to cry, “I really screwed up this time Howie. I really screwed up.”
“What can I do to help you fix this?” Howie asked. He rarely saw AJ this upset.
“Help me figure out a way to get her to not only see me and talk to me but let me back in to her life, her world, her
heart. I love her, man and I need her. I need her so much.” AJ stated.
“Then you should go to her. Take her some flowers and sincerely apologize to her.”
“She won’t accept my phone calls, my letters, and she won’t see me.” AJ stated.
“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you go down to the club and confront her to apologize?”
“Because I don’t want to hurt her any more than I’ve already have.”
“But what about you and how you’re hurting? You need to put some closure to all of this. Go talk to her. Explain to
her how wrong you were and that you’re sorry and that you still love her.” Howie pushed.
“What if she doesn’t want me back?”
“It’s a chance you’re going to have to take.” Howie replied honestly.
“I don’t know if I can.” AJ admitted.
“Well, after tonight, you’ll have a few weeks to talk to her before we go overseas. I came to grab you to come over for dinner. Tina insisted so let’s go.” Howie said. AJ called the dogs over and put them back in their kennels before leaving with Howie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m sorry that that happened Amanda, I really am, but AJ is so upset as well. I brought you some things I think you need to read. AJ wrote all of these on the road and there’s quite a bit of them and he doesn’t know they’re missing yet. He is truly sorry for what he’s done and how he’s hurt you. He’s grown a lot these past three months. You would be amazed. Just read them and you’ll see. Now, separate from that issue, the other reason I’m here is to kidnap you and bring you to the concert tonight. Before you say no, hear me out. You don’t have to come backstage, nor sit with family and friends. But I’ve got a backstage pass for you and security has been notified that you are cleared to move about freely. We’ve all missed you, but AJ needs you. He loves you. I hope you’ll think about coming tonight. I’m not going to try to convince you or even beg you. I know that you still love AJ as well and that you will do what’s best for you, for both of you.” Brian said. He then handed her the shoebox of letters that AJ had written but never sent, kissed her on the cheek and left her alone in her office.
Amanda stared at the box for an hour, fighting with herself about whether or not to read the letters. Her heart won. She still loved AJ very much. She needed to know for herself why he did what he did and why he broke her heart. She opened the box. The letters were neatly stacked one after another. AJ had dated them and they were in order from most recent back. She went to the bottom of the pile to read that first letter. She couldn’t help but be curious and see what his excuse was.

Dear `Manda, I don’t know where to start. I’m so sorry. So so sorry that I gave into temptation and slept with another woman. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know what I did was unforgivable and there is no excuse for me destroying our relationship. I’m so ashamed of my actions. B-rok and Kev asked me where you were and I lied to them. I told them there was an emergency back at the club and you had to go home. I lied to them. But that’s not even a freckle on my body at this moment in time. I hurt you, I hurt me, I hurt us. I am sooooo sooooo sorry. I know, I already said that. But I am. I didn’t think with my head and my heart. I thought with something else. I’ve tried calling your cell phone, but you keep hanging up on me. I don’t want to explain or lie to you, I just want to apologize and beg for your forgiveness. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I promised you I’d never hurt you and I went and did it. I hurt you, the worst hurt of all, emotionally and mentally. `Manda, please, please answer the phone. Let’s try to work this out. Please? I love you and now I’m afraid I’ve lost you. Always all my love, AJ.

“Well, that’s a start.” Amanda said out loud as she set the first letter down. She counted the letters. On average, there were two a day since that night, sometimes three and four. She realized that AJ was truly sorry and regretted what he had done. She read a few letters to confirm everything and then she read the last letter.

Dear `Manda: Here I am on the last night away from home on tour. We’re about to go to soundcheck, then meet and greet with the fans, and then the last show on the first leg. I miss you. I want for you to be here with me so badly. To share this with me. You’re the only girl for me. I know that now. I just don’t know how I can get you back in my life, even if we are only friends. I need you. I need your love, support, and most of all, your friendship. You always understood me and where I was coming from. You kept me grounded and made me happy. You made me think of my actions and to think before I did things. You loved me better than I even loved myself at times. How do I get you back? How do I make up for the pain I caused you a few months ago? How do I show you I’ve changed? How do I show you that I’m so in love with you? I don’t know. I do know that I’m afraid to call you or see you. Afraid of being rejected (which I deserve) and hated. I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want to hate myself, but I do. I’ve decided to take a few days when I get home to re-orient myself with my home, the dogs, and my surroundings. And then maybe I’ll try to see you. For now though, I have to get through tonight without you by my side and it will be hard because you had always been the one true pillar of support on this tour for me up until my stupid mistake. I love you `Manda, I always will. AJ

Amanda sat back into the couch and cried. She missed AJ’s friendship as well, she missed being in his arms, his smile, his scent, his eyes, his kiss. She missed his voice, his touch, his laugh. She missed him and she was still in love with him. Herphone rang, it was Leighanne.
“Amanda, why don’t you come with me to the show tonight? Please? Kristin and Tina will be there.” Leighanne said as soon as Amanda spoke into the phone.
“I’m afraid to.” Amanda cried.
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Go tell Jimmy you’re going out then go upstairs and change and wash your face. That’s an order.” Leighanne stated. She wasn’t taking NO for an answer. Amanda just nodded and hung up the phone. She wiped the tears from her eyes and went to Jimmy and told him he was in charge for the night. She then went upstairs and changed into the outfit that AJ loved her in. White T-shirt, blue jeans, and a pale green blazer. She left her red hair down and put on a little lipstick. She then put on a pair of sandals as she heard a knock on the outside apartment door.
“You look great!” Leighanne smiled when Amanda opened the door.
“Thanks. I’m really close to backing out so we’d better get going.” Amanda replied as she grabbed her purse and her keys. 
“Well, then let’s go.” Leighanne said. Amanda locked the door behind her and followed her out to the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“AJ… everyone’s ready to go out there.” Angie, the stage manager, knocked on his door. AJ was looking at a picture of him and Amanda at a party, totally oblivious to their surroundings as they talked to each other. AJ put the picture in his pocket, dried his eyes, and put on a happy face as he opened the door.
“You all right?” Angie asked him.
“I don’t know how to answer that right now. Ask me later?” he asked Angie. She nodded. AJ gave her a hug as they got closer to the stage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you coming backstage?” Leighanne asked as they pulled into the employee parking lot.
“I think I’m just going to watch the show from my seat.” Amanda replied.
“Not ready to be face to face with him yet?” Leighanne questioned.
“Not yet. Just let me go at my pace, all right?” Amanda asked.
“I promise. Just don’t make me come drag you backstage later on. Got it?” Leighanne said as they got out of the car.
Amanda nodded.
“Oh my god, it’s Leighanne and Amanda!” screamed some girls.
“Oh crud! I forgot about this part!” Amanda replied. Leighanne laughed.
“Wait, please. We promise not to bother you for very long. We just want to get our picture with you.” One of the girls asked. Leighanne and Amanda complied with their request and allowed their pictures to be taken.
“Thank you so much!” the girls squealed with delight as they ran off.
“You made their day, Amanda.” Leighanne said. “How do you feel?”
“Shaky, c’mon… the show will be starting any time now.” Amanda replied. They went their separate ways once inside. Amanda made her way down to where her seat was on the side of the stage.

Halfway through the concert, the Backstreet Boys had slowed down the arena a bit for a slow song. AJ spoke up to
introduce the song.
“Hi Orlando. This next song is extra special to me and tonight, I’d like to dedicate it to my `Manda. I’m sorry, I miss you, I love you… wherever you are.” AJ said as the guys broke into the first verse. Amanda watched as AJ sang his heart out to that song.
“Oh my god. He’s crying.” Amanda said out loud.
“He must have really screwed up to be openly crying like that.” The person next to Amanda declared. That’s when it hit Amanda that she should go to him. She quickly left her seat and made her way backstage.

“It’s about time you showed up.” Angie smiled at her.
“Can you get me to him? Please?” Amanda asked Angie.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Angie said. She grabbed Amanda’s hand and they ran to the stage. Leighanne and Tina were there smiling as well.
“What took you so long?” Leighanne asked.
“Stubbornness, excuse me…” Amanda said as Tina handed her a box of tissues and Angie pushed her out on stage as the song ended. Angie had gotten on the radio to let Security know that Amanda was allowed to be on stage. The guys were in position for the next song.
Amanda walked up behind AJ and tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around in shock.
“Baby?” he questioned as tears were still streaming down his face.
“No more tears… we’ll work things out.” Amanda whispered as they embraced. The crowd was going nuts. The guys all encircled the couple. Nick got a stool from the band and placed it next to AJ.
“I don’t think he’s gonna let you out of his sight so have a seat and enjoy the next song.” Nick replied when he rejoined the group. The next song… It’s True.
AJ never let go of Amanda’s hand as he and the guys sang the song. After the song was over, there was a short intermission.
AJ took Amanda off stage.
“`Manda, I’m so…” AJ began to say to her.
“Ssshhh, don’t say a word… you’ve put yourself thru more hell than anything these past three months. I’ve read some of the letters. I’ve seen your emotion. We’ll talk later, but I’m sorry too. I should have always remembered that above everything else, we’re friends. I love you too, AJ and I swear that we’ll try to work this out.” Amanda was crying too. Now that she had seen him in person, she never wanted to let him out of her sight again.
“Can I kiss you?” AJ asked. He had never asked to kiss her before. Amanda nodded as AJ leaned in to kiss her.
“After the show, can we go away for a few days to talk about things and stuff?” AJ asked.
“I was just going to suggest the same thing. You’d better go and change. I’m gonna be here with Leighanne and the girls. I’m not going anywhere.” Amanda said to him.
“I’m going to spend the rest of my life never hurting you again.” AJ said as he kissed her again.
“Don’t make me any promises right now, alright… we’ve got forever. Go change and then go back out on that stage and show that crowd the best performance yet.” Amanda encouraged him.
“I love you. I truly do love you.” AJ said as he started to back away from her.
“I know… I love you too.” Amanda said and watched him disappear behind a curtain. Leighanne ran over to her.
“You alright?” Leighanne asked.
“Thanks to your husband, I’m on my way.” Amanda said and smiled. Leighanne gave her a hug. She and Leighanne joined the girls and watched the guys’ concert from the side of the stage. AJ continued to look over to her and Amanda would  hold up a wipe board with little signs like I Love You and S.W.A.K. throughout the rest of the show. She cracked him up when she wrote You + Me = US to which he screwed up in the song but no one noticed. After the concert, everyone was huddled back in the dressing room with the girls.
“Just a moment for a prayer before we all go our separate ways for a few days, ok?” Brian asked. The gang all agreed.
“May I say prayer?” AJ asked, shocking Brian.
“Please.” Brian replied. When AJ was done and the room all cleared out, just he and Amanda remained.
“I know that a part of you is still hurting over my actions, `Manda, and that you may still need some time, but I’m honestly and truly sorry for what I did. I don’t have a reason for doing it other than there is no excuse. But can you find it in your heart, in your soul to forgive me?” AJ asked. Amanda thought about it for a few minutes.
“Before I answer you, I want to show you something, from my point of view so-to-speak.” Amanda replied.
“Okay…” AJ replied. He followed Amanda to where her seat was earlier in the evening and had him sit in the seat and close his eyes.
“I want you to imagine tonight’s show… forward to Back To Your Heart. Second verse. Imagine what I saw that made me run back stage. Do you remember what you were doing at the end of the first verse?” Amanda asked.
“Crying… I couldn’t help it.” AJ said.
“For as long as I’ve known you, I’ve only seen you cry twice and neither time was it as emotional and heartfelt as it was tonight. I can forgive you for what happened three months ago and in time I will forget, but you have to forgive yourself now as well. Can you do that?” Amanda asked.
“With you in my life, I can start.” AJ admitted.
“Then I think it’s time we stop the tears and let the love flow again.” Amanda suggested.
“I couldn’t agree more.” Brian said from behind them.
“Brian… hi.” Amanda said.
“Let’s go home guys? It’s getting late.” Brian suggested.
“Amanda, will you come home with me?” AJ asked.
“Home? Why, I’d like that.” Amanda said. She felt much better than she had a few hours ago and knew that they’d be able to go on and find their way back to what they once shared, only this time it would be better than ever.

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