Shape Of My Heart
based on the song as sung by the Backstreet Boys from
 their forthcoming CD “Black & Blue” Nov. 21^st. 2000
(story is © 2000 - Tammtamm)

                “Howie, why are you always pushing her away? She’s always been there for you and so supportive and just when things start to settle down and you two mesh, you two have an argument and things stay unresolved until we come back from touring or get a break from touring or she comes out on tour for a few days. C’mon man. Even if you won’t admit it to her, admit it to yourself that you’re in love with her.” Kevin Richardson was talking to his best friend, Howie Dorough. They were talking about Howie’s relationship with Tina Wyman. A girl he had met while the guys had been in Philadelphia performing a concert back in 1998. She had taken her two nieces to the concert and they had managed to get meet and greet passes for backstage before the show. Tina had stayed in the background as she was just their chaperone and didn’t want to take away from their once in a lifetime chance to meet the guys. The girls had asked that Tina be in the pictures with them and the guys because she was the reason they were there. When a security guy had accidentally brushed against Tina as he was trying to keep the crowd back, he had knocked her down. Howie offered her his hand to help her back up.

            “I can’t Kev, she’s just not my type. She’s taller than me. Voluptuous, quiet, plain.” Howie said.

            “And you’re in love with her because she is those things and she’s been your rock through thick and thin since day one. Admit it. You’re in love with her and you’re angry with yourself because you’ve been treating her like dirt.” Kevin insisted. They had just come off their sold out tour for their previous album, Millenium, and were working on songs for their next album.

            “Alright, alright, alright… I love her. You satisfied?” Howie said. They were sitting in Kevin’s house just relaxing a bit. They had been home for three days and Howie had not had more than three hours of sleep since they got back.

            “No. Have you called her yet?” Kevin asked.

            “I’ve left a few messages but she hasn’t returned any.” Howie admitted.

            “Why don’t you just go to her? You’ve already seen your family and some of your friends. You need to get your relationship with Tina back on track. Go to her.” Kevin suggested.

            “What if she doesn’t want me anymore? We haven’t talked in six weeks. Not since I pushed her away yet again.” Howie admitted.

            “Yes, I remember how you did that too.” Kevin said. Howie thought back to that night. They were doing a concert in New Jersey and Nick’s sister had brought one of her friends in from Florida with her. Howie and Tina had spent the day together before sound check just fine, but when they arrived for sound check and Tina excused herself, the friend had pounced and Howie had pounced back. They were flirting up a storm. When Tina returned and saw this and looked at Howie and he didn’t stop, she quietly left the scene and the arena and returned home. Crushed. Howie had told her that he cared a lot about her during lunch and the walk around the hotel so she couldn’t understand why he would openly flirt with someone in front of her.

            Tina had kept something from Howie that day and Kevin knew about it. But Tina had begged Kevin not to tell Howie, that it didn’t concern him. Tina’s 14 year old niece had cancer and wasn’t responding to treatment. This affected Tara deeply and the only reason why Kevin knew was because he had intercepted a call from her the week before and had heard pages for doctors in the background. She and Kevin had talked for an hour that day.

            “Have you tried calling her roommate, Sheilah?” Kevin asked.

            “Sheilah won’t tell me anything.” Howie replied. “Just that Tina’s not in and she’ll give her the message.”

            “Let me try.” Kevin went over to the desk in his den and pulled out his phone book and then preceeded to dial Sheilah’s cell phone.

            “Hello?” a female voice answered the phone.

            “Hi Sheilah, it’s Kev. Do you know how I can get a hold of Tina? I’m worried, I haven’t heard from her in a couple of weeks.” Kevin said.

            “I have been trying to get a hold of you Kevin. She’s not doing good. Kimmie’s been downgraded to terminal status as of a month ago and I know she didn’t tell you or your wife that.” Sheilah explained.

            “I see. Could you tell her that I called?”

            “Where are you?”

            “I’m home now.”

            “She took Kimmie and her family to Disneyworld. Is Howie there?”

            “Yeah.”

            “And he still has no clue?”

            “Exactly.”

            “Damn that roommate of mine! Howie needs to be told because she needs him. This is really taking a toll on her.”

            “Why don’t you give me the number that I can reach her at.”

            “They’re staying at the Dolphin within the Kingdom. I just talked to her about a half hour ago.” Sheilah said and gave him the room number.

            “Thanks Sheilah. Take care.” Kevin said and hung up the phone.

            “Well?” Howie asked.

            “I know how to reach her, but first, there’s something you need to know.” Kevin said. The doorbell rang so he went to the door to answer it.

            “Hey, look who I found sitting in her car in the driveway?” Brian said as he entered the house.

            “Tina. You’re a hard woman to find.” Kevin said and gave her a hug. He could tell thru her smile that she was hurting.

            “I was hoping that we could talk.” She replied softly.

            “I just got off the phone with Sheilah. She told me about Kimmie.”

            “Tina? What about Kim?” Howie said from the entrance to the den. Brian had told him she was here. Tina was taken aback.

            “Howie, I didn’t know you’d be here.” Tina looked at Kevin with tears in her eyes.

            “I haven’t told him anything yet, Tina. Maybe now you should?” Kevin suggested and led her into his home. Howie came over to her and gave her a hug. He noticed right away that she was tense and shaking.

            “Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked.

            “Why don’t you two use the den. Brian and I will give you guys some privacy.” Kevin suggested. He went and got Brian so they could go outside and shoot some hoops.

            Howie got Tina a glass of water from the kitchen while she took a few moments to compose herself. She remember back to that day at the arena how she had wanted to tell him then what was happening with Kimmie, but Kimmie said not to tell Howie and not to let it affect her and Howie, but it did.

            “Thanks.” She managed to say when Howie returned with the water.

            “You’re welcome. I know how things were left and I want to discuss that, but I want to know what’s gotten you so upset and why you look so tired and withdrawn? Did I do this to you?” Howie asked.

            “More like I’ve done this to myself.” She replied. She looked at Howie. How could she tell him about Kimmie? He had grown just as fond of Kimmie as Kimmie was of him.

            “Why? What’s wrong?” he asked. He moved to the couch she was sitting on and took her hand in his. He wanted to help her. He wanted to know what was bothering her.

            “Kimmie’s going to be upset with me for telling you this, but it’s time you knew.” Tina looked into Howie’s eyes.

            “Don’t worry, I’ll smooth things out with her.” Howie cracked a smile for Tina.

            “About a year ago, Kimmie was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I didn’t find out about this until six months ago when I noticed that Kimmie was losing weight too fast and her hair was beginning to fall out. A month ago, she was diagnosed as terminal. She and I were talking one day and the one thing she wanted most was to come to Disneyworld and to see you and the guys one last time.” Tina looked away from him and sobbed. Howie put his arms around her and cried along with her. Howie’s cell phone rang a little while later.

            “Hello?”

            “Hi Uncle Howie. It’s me, Kim. Hope you don’t mind? I raided Auntie Tina’s phone book.” Kim said.

            “Hi. I don’t mind at all.” Howie laughed. “What’s up? How are you?”

            “I’m great. Just haven’t seen you in ages and wanted to talk to you. Are you and guys all done with touring?”

            “Yes we are… can you hang on just a second?” Howie asked her.

            “Sure.”

            “I need to take this Tina. I’ll be right back.” Howie said and excused himself from the room. Tara went and looked out the window.

            “Uncle Howie?” Kim asked on the other end of the phone.

            “I’m sorry about that Kimmie. So what’s going on?” Howie asked.

            “Not much. Are you and Auntie Tina okay? She seems so sad and never talks about you and her anymore. I think she misses you.”

            “Always the insightful one, aren’t you Kimmie. Your auntie and I just have some things to work through right now. Don’t you worry, we’re okay.”

            “Now that you’re all done touring, can you come up for a visit then. We would love to see you again.” Kimmie was trying to bring Tina and Howie back together again. She wanted Aunt Tina to be happy when she was gone.

            “That’s exactly what I was hoping to do. How about tomorrow?”

            “Oh, that’s not good. Auntie’s out of town right now. How about next week? We… I mean she should be home on Sunday.” She suggested. Howie chuckled.

            “Are you playing matchmaker?” he asked.

            “Who? Me? Nah…. so, do you think you can come?” Kimmie asked.

            “You betcha. I’ll call you on Sunday after all the arrangements are made. Okay?” Howie asked. He was playing along because he knew she was in Orlando.

            “Okay, please call after four cuz we’re going to a movie after lunch.” Kimmie said.

            “Four o’clock. Okay. See you then.” Howie said and hung up the phone. He went back into the den.

            “Your niece is something else.” He laughed.

            “Was that her?” Tara asked.

            “Oh yeah. Seems you’re out of town right now and she’d like me to come up and see you after Sunday.” Howie said.

            “Sounds like someone is trying to make everything a world of happiness. I should go.” Tina said and walked by Howie.

            “Tina. Wait!” Howie gently grabbed her arm as she walked past him. She stopped.

            “Howie, I can’t deal with us right now. All my energy is focused on Kim and what she’s going through.”

            “What about what you’re going through? Let me help?” he asked.

            “You can’t. Please tell Kevin I’ll call him later.” She said and left Howie standing in the den wondering what just happened. He went over to the window and watched her as she sat in her car and cried for a few minutes before starting it. He got an idea and found some sheet music paper on Kevin’s desk.

            He sat down on the window seat and began to write. Thirty minutes later he had a new song written. He had a melody in mind and decided to go get Kevin to help him work on the music behind the words. “This one’s for Tina.” He said to himself.  

          Kevin and Brian walked into Howie as he was walking out to find them.

            “Did Tina leave?” Kevin asked.

            “Yeah… she’ll call you later. I need your help on something.” Howie told him.

            “I should go, promised the wifey I’d be home for dinner” Brian said.

            “Wait, I could use your input too, Brian.” Howie said. Brian plopped down in the nearest chair.

            “What’s up?” Kevin asked as he sat down on the coffee table.

            “Well, Tara told me about Kimmie and then Kimmie called me on my cell phone. It’s like Tara’s shutting me out on purpose right now. She told me she can only focus on Kimmie right now and Kev, after our conversation earlier, I realized just how much I've shut her out. I got to thinking and this popped into my head.” Howie explained. He handed the lyrics over to Kevin. Kevin knelt down next to Brian and they read the lyrics together.

            “Howie… this is awesome.” Kevin said and ran out to the piano in the foyer with the sheet music. Brian and Howie followed him. They worked on the piano and keyboard for the next hour and a half, oblivious to when Kristin returned with Nick in tow.

            “Well, that explains why no one answered the phone.” She said to Nick as they went into the kitchen with the groceries.

            “Yeah. You okay?” Nick asked.

            “Oh, yeah, I’ve got this stuff. Go see what they’re up to. Go on and thanks for coming to my rescue.” She shooed Nick out of the kitchen with a bag of pretzels and a cold six pack of coke. “They probably need these.” She said.

            “Thanks.” Nick joined the guys in the foyer.

            “Nick… when’d you show up?” Kevin asked.

            “About 5 minutes ago. Had to go rescue your wife, the car had a flat and she couldn’t get a hold of you.”

            “Crud… where is she?” Kevin asked.

            “In the kitchen, don’t worry, she’s cool with it.” Nick said.

            “I’ll be right back.” Kevin said and headed for the kitchen.

            “So what are you guys working on?” Nick asked as he looked at the sheet music for the new song.

            “Hey… I’m liking this. How’s it go?” Nick asked.

            “We’re still not sure…” Brian said.

            “Here, Brian… sing some of it for him.” Howie handed Brian the paperwork and Brian started to sing. Howie joined in.

            “Wow… I like it. We should get AJ over here.” Nick commented.

            “Call him.” Howie said.

            “I’ll do it. I need to call home anyway.” Brian said and headed for the den.

            “Howie, you seem so sad. What’s wrong?” Nick asked as he sat down on the piano bench next to Howie.

            “I’m just realizing some things, is all. I may have lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me just by not being more aware of her needs.”

            “Are you talking about Tina? But you love her. If I were you, I’d fight for her.” Nick said.

            “The tables have turned, my friend. She’s trying to push me away right now.” Howie began playing the melody for the song.

            “You wrote this for her, didn’t you?” Nick said.

            “Yup.”

            “You need to make her see…” Nick faded away with that comment.

            “Not right now. She’s got too much to deal with.”

            “What do you mean? What’s going on?” Nick said. Brian, Kevin, and Kristin came into the foyer.

            “Her niece, Kim, has been diagnosed with Cancer. It’s terminal.” Howie said as he looked at Nick. Kristin wrapped her arms around Kevin as Brian and Nick each put a hand on one of Howie’s shoulders.

            “I asked her to let me help her through this and she told me she couldn’t, then she left.”

            “What? She’s here?” Nick asked.

            “Yeah… she’s staying at the Dolphin with Kimmie and her family. She treated them to a trip to Disneyworld.” Kevin said.

            “What Kimmie told Tina she wanted most was to visit Disneyworld and to see us guys one more time.” Howie said.

            “Howie, go to Tina right now and refuse to leave until you two settle some things. We all know how fond you are of Kimmie and her little sister and how much you love Tina. Go after her.” Kristin said. She didn’t usually pry into the guys’ personal lives, but just seeing how much pain Howie was in, she felt she had to say something.

            “Suite 2318.” Kevin said.

            “And take this with you.” Brian said.

            “This might help you get through to her.” Nick added.

            “What about AJ and working on this some more?” Howie asked.

            “Don’t worry. I’ve already got it memorized.” Kevin said.

            “We’ll type it up on the computer really quick and continue working on it. Go… now… before you chicken out.” Nick said and pushed his friend up off the piano bench.

            “Call if you won’t be able to come back for dinner at 8.” Kevin said as Howie looked at all his friends before leaving the house.

            When Howie got to the Dolphin, he immediately went to the front desk to see if she was in the suite.

            “Actually, sir, she’s just about to get on that bus headed for Planet Hollywood.” One of the bellhops pointed out to him.

            “Tina. Wait!” he yelled from the front desk. He began to run towards Tina and her family.

            “Uncle Howie!” Kim and her sister, Amber ran over to Howie. He knelt down and picked them both up.

            “Kim, you shouldn’t be out of the wheelchair.” Tina said as Howie carried both girls back over to their aunt and their parents.

            “How’d you know we were here?” Kim asked.

            “Some little birdies told me. Can I borrow your Auntie for a little while?” he replied after he greeted everyone.

            “Howie… please.” Tina tried to stop him.

            “Of course, auntie, please. Go be with Uncle Howie. We’ll go on to Planet Hollywood and have a great time. Won’t we mom and dad?” Kim said. She was very happy that Howie showed up.

            “Yes, Tina it’s fine. Please, you two haven’t seen each other in awhile. Spend some time with him.” Kim’s mom, Carol explained.

            “Yeah, sis. Take some time for you tonight.” Tina’s brother, Kenneth said and gave his sister a kiss on the cheek before ushering his family onto the bus.

            “Have fun.” Howie said as he and Tina watched the bus leave. “Thanks for staying.” He said to her when he turned to her.

            “Like I had a choice.” She said and began to head back to the elevators.

            “Please, just come with me. We need to talk. I need to talk, to explain, to express my feelings. Please.” Howie said as he pulled her back into his arms. She instantly smelled his scent and melted.

            “Alright.” She whispered. Howie led her to his car and they sped off into the night.

            “Where are we going?” she asked as Howie drove them down the road.

            “Someplace where no one will bother us.” He replied. He was taking her back to his house.

            “So how have you been?” she asked.

            “Miserable without you to talk to.” He said as he caught a glance at her. She was clasping her backpack and her hands were trembling. He took one hand off the wheel and placed it over hers. “I miss you, Tina.” He said.

            “I miss you too.” She managed to say as she stifled some cries. `Might as well be honest with him.’ She thought to herself. “I was going to tell you everything that night after the concert at the arena, but when I saw you flirting with that girl, I just figured that I didn’t need to deal with any of that right then and that I needed to focus on Kimmie.” She admitted.

            “So that’s why you left? You didn’t want to deal with your feelings of jealousy over my flirting with a girl?” Howie asked.

            “Partially.” She said as Howie pulled into his driveway.

            “We’re here.” He said. She went to get out of the car. “Oh no you don’t. That’s my job.” He said and got out of the driver’s side and went and opened her car door. `Still the gentleman’ she thought.

            “Thank you.” She replied as he helped her out of the car. “You brought me to the house?” she asked.

            “I didn’t want to take you far away from Kimmie. C’mon, let’s go on inside.” He said. She followed him into the house. “How about something to drink? I’ve got some powdered tea made?” He suggested as they walked towards the kitchen. She had helped him decorate the house.

            “That sounds good.” She admitted, “would you excuse me for a minute? I need to use the bathroom.” She said and made her way to the bathroom upstairs. Howie called Kevin’s. Kevin answered the phone.

            “Kev, it’s Howie.”

            “Hey! Did you find her?” Kevin asked.

            “Yeah, we’re talking now. Um, don’t count us in for dinner. We’ve got a lot of talking to do.” Howie said.

            “Okay, where are you?”

            “Home.”

            “Good luck man.” Kevin said.

            “Thanks.” Howie said and hung up the phone. Howie poured them some iced tea and took it into the dining room.

            “Howie?” Tina asked as she came down the stairs.

            “In the dining room.” He answered her.

            “Everything is just as I remember it. You haven’t changed any of it.” She said as she took in the ambience of the dining room. It was a rather large room, enough to hold a party of 16 to 20 people, but yet with candles and the lighting just right, it was as if it was big enough for two.

            “You make this house feel homey, Tina. You helped me get it this way. Why would I change it?” Howie asked. “Come, sit… I need to talk to you.” Howie held a chair out for her. She sat down and took a sip of tea.

            Howie sat down opposite her.

            “I wanted to read you something I wrote just after you left Kevin’s today, but before I do. I wanted to apologize to you for not being there when you’ve needed me most. Not being there to listen to your needs and your wants and your desires and always putting my needs and wants and desires first and foremost. And that goes from when we first met on, not just from Jersey. I didn’t see it at first, but when I had found out from Kevin that night in Jersey that you left the arena, that was the beginning of rediscovering me and you and us. When I called you after the show that night and you had said things were okay, you were just not feeling well, I should have pushed you to talk more, but I didn’t. I should have gone to your place after the concert to check on you, but I didn’t. I just went into my own little world and a few days later when I needed you to do something for me for my mom’s birthday, you did that without hesitation, I never did thank you for that. I’ve used you as a friend, as a person, and I’ve never truly let you in and when you needed me, I wasn’t there for you. And the excuse that I’m in a band and we’re always on the road is not a good excuse. I could have been supportive with an email, a card, a note, a phone call, and I could have flown in to see you more.”

            “Howie… you don’t…” Tara said as tears were falling down her cheeks. She had waited so long to hear him say these things to here, she couldn’t believe that he was. Howie was tearing up too.

            “Yes I do. I need to do this for you, for me, and for us.” He said and took hold of her hands. I am soooooo sorry. I didn’t think I could express just how sorry I am, but I wrote this after talking with Kevin today and then with you.” Howie took out the piece of paper and showed the lyrics to “Shape Of My Heart” to her. Tina read them several times, holding back tears. She had so wanted him to come to her and help her through everything and now it was true and he was asking her to forgive him and to give him another chance.

            “You wrote this for me?” she asked. Howie nodded, afraid that if he said anything his voice would crack. She got up from the dining room table and left the room, she needed a moment to absorb everything he just said. She knew that if she gave him the second chance that she wouldn’t be able to handle it if things went wrong between them again. She was about to lose her favorite niece, she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle losing Howie again.

            Howie found her in the tv room, looking at the various pictures of his family and him and her and the guys on the wall.

            “Tina? What are you thinking? What are you feeling?” Howie asked from the entryway.

            “I’m afraid that I’d be letting you in just to have it all go away again. I’m afraid of losing you again. I’m scared. I’m hurting because my first niece is dying and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” She cried. Howie went over to her and embraced her. She buried her head in his shoulder and neck.

            “I love you Tina and I have for the longest time. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am going to do everything in my power to not ever do that again but you have to let me back in.” He explained as he stroked her hair.

            “I can’t promise you things will be like they were.” She pulled away from him.

            “I don’t want things to be like they were. I want them to be bigger and better. I want us to start new and learn from the mistakes of the past. Especially me. Please Tina, let me show you the shape of my heart?” he asked. Tina smiled for the first time in a long time. A true smile that came from the heart. He had made her happy.

            “Can I think about it over dinner?” she laughed. Howie saw a sparkle in her eye and he knew she would.

            “I would love to take you to dinner.” Howie said.

Home

THIS I PROMISE YOU -
Part I  Part II  Part III  Part IV  Part V

The Real Impression - fan fiction by J.